Madame Web Review

By Kevin Hoskinson
Entertainment Editor

It’s hard to go into a movie that so much has already been said about with an open mind. Whether it’s good or bad, the opinions of others often cast a massive shadow over particular films, and Madame Web is a great example of that. With the exception of the animated Spider-Verse films, the Sony Spidey-centric universe hasn’t exactly lit the world on fire. They are generic at best and have come nowhere close to what the MCU has accomplished at its lowest moments. The characters they choose to focus on aren’t particularly compelling when put on film in their own stories. In the comics, they have paved their own path and have gone to some incredible places, but when they are put on film, they often fall flat and lifeless.

Needless to say, the latest offering doesn’t change that one bit. I’ve always been a champion of movies, and I know it’s a miracle to get one made. There are so many moving pieces, and for that many people to be on the same page is something to behold. What really surprises me is when a movie that so much hard work goes into turns into a trainwreck. The dialogue the characters speak on screen is laughable when it’s not supposed to be funny. When a creative team doesn’t have faith in you as an audience member, they have to hold your hand every step so that you might understand such a basic concept. These are just some of the issues that plague Madame Web.

The basic story is pretty simple. Cassandra Webb (Dakota Johnson) is a New York City paramedic. We find out earlier in the film (don’t worry, you’ll be reminded repeatedly about this) that her mom passed away while searching for an elusive spider with healing properties. During that fateful journey, a tour guide/protector, Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim), is determined to get the spider for himself. When Cassandra starts developing clairvoyance, her past comes back to haunt her as she must protect three young women (Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, and Celeste O’Connor) from a “mysterious” foe that wants them dead. This plot point is also repeated throughout the film in hopes that you aren’t lost or don’t understand for some reason. Also, you’ll know when her clairvoyance kicks in because you will see the same scene played out about three or four times before they get to the point. I can’t be 100% certain, but I believe at least half of the film is stuff we have seen or heard before in the same movie, so no worries if you show up late. You’ll get the point. They really want you, too, so they beat you over the head with it.

The three young women she needs to protect are future Spider-Women. It’s a cool idea, but if you are excited about seeing them suit up and take on the villain, you are going to be severely disappointed. Not to spoil anything, but it never happens. What we do see is from the dreams of the villain, who keeps dreaming of the girls killing him in the future. He sets on his quest to kill them before it happens, and that’s when Cassandra is forced to step in. This movie is filled with genius ideas in theory, but unfortunately, it all falls flat and doesn’t continue doing anything interesting with those ideas. I will say one thing that really blew my mind with this film: the filmmakers have managed to make clairvoyance boring, so props to them for that. When you think it will get metaphysical and unique, it’s pulled back down to earth, and you remember the movie you are watching is a trainwreck.

It’s unfair for me to tell you what to do with your hard-earned money. If you decide to watch Madame Web, that’s entirely your decision. It’s a very poorly executed film that has so much potential. Even though my review may not sound like it, I do have to say that I didn’t hate it as much as others, but I would have rather watched anything else. I’ll probably watch it again to get all of the juicy morsels of dialogue committed to memory for a fun game of “Worse Dialogue Ever Put On Screen.” There is a cheesy charm to it that feels like it may grow on people over the years. But until that time comes, I would say it’s worth watching anything else but this.

Rating: ONE Pastrami Nation out of FIVE